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We Now Return to your Regularly Scheduled Reviewer in: Disney's New Dog, and the Return of Theater Magic

I'm back! It’s the Return of the King! And I am Aragorn, wow that's incredibly boastful. Anyway I wanna thank my buddy Dave and my correspondent Pandachi, I believe she will be back in the future, freshmen have more free time, but let’s get on with the show.

This week's (as if I update that often) feature is a non-Pixar animated feature from Disney, Bolt. I must say I had high hopes considering the last non-Pixar Disney animated movie Meet the Robinsons was incredibly good, and while this is not nearly as full of laughs it is freakin' adorable and has some decent action for the childrens.

Let’s get down to business. Bolt is a dog, but not just any dog a super powered dog, with laser vision, hyper speed, and a sonic bark, Thursdays at 8 this fall umm... well its Disney, so its gotta be ABC. Bolt ( John Travolta, Yeah I'm gonna start linking actors to IMDB.) and his sidekick Penny, or is it the other way around, must defeat the evil Dr. Calico, or as Bolt knows him, the green-eyed man. However, all of this is merely the work of writes. Actors and staff on his television show. Bolt is unaware that he is on a TV show and thinks that the forces of evil are really out to get Penny and that all his super powers are factual. When not on the set Penny (Miley Cyrus) wishes she could treat Bolt like a real dog, but is unable too because it will blow the brilliant method acting of the dog. The director explains everything is done for Bolt's sake, no second takes, every episode is a brilliantly orchestrated trick on the dog, seems kinda cruel if you ask me. Bolt is sorta like The Truman Show but with a dog, but only before the plot starts. Soon, Mindy the Network Executive tells the people on the show that adult males between the ages of 18 and 36 are not watching so the decide to do a cliff-hanger, clearly this was the shows first season... yes There's Bolt stuff everywhere, buses, billboards, even the studio's water tower has bolt on it, but plot conveniences aside..

Bolt is convinced that Penny is kidnapped by the Green-Eyed Man, and goes to save her only to get knocked out and shipped to New York, thus setting up the makings of a road movie, so we got that goin '. Bolt know needs to return to California to 'save penny' but he needs some help from the minions of the Green-Eyed Man so a movie about a dog needs a cat, enter Mittens (Susie Essman) a stray cat who ends up being tied to Bolt, both literally and figuratively, and is forced to take him across the country, thanks to a waffle house map. (Waffles, is there anything they can't do?). Along the way they meet Rhino (Mark Walton), a couch potato of a hamster who happens to be a hung Bolt fan boy, think Star Trek. Along the way Bolt finds out that he is not in fact super powered and must come to terms with this. There is a nice montage with just about the dumbest country song I ever heard: "Your home is the best for you because it's yours". Eventually Mittens attempts to convince Bolt to stay in Vegas because of her back story, but Bolt must go back to his beloved Penny. Eventually Bolt gets to do some real Heroics when things go wrong on the set of his TV show. In the end Bolt accepts his average life and becomes grateful for his new friends as well as quitting the show and living in the country with Penny, Mittens, and Rhino.

As far as the movie goes its pretty good as long as you are willing to suspend your disbelief that they have to do constant perfect takes and smoothly transitions everything all for the sake of the dog's acting, kinda redonkulous (first time I ever heard that in a movie). you also have to think that some person somewhere in their travels would think 'hey that's the dog from the TV show' or 'I should help that stray dog, find it's owner and what not' but the questions just needed be applied when the target audience is below teenage level. There's also the sleaziest, slimiest, most jack-hole agent I have ever seen in a movie, and I feel he did not get a proper comeuppance, although he does get one.

This is a movie more targeted towards children, that's to say it isn't as cross generational as say most of the Pixar films, but it’s a good movie for children. It does not pander or dance around injuries in fact its deals directly with Bolt's bleeding and injuries even if they don't make it at all graphic. The climactic scene isn't a quick easy save, in fact the main characters pretty much almost die. The movie is about growing up and accepting that sometimes things aren't what they seem and you just have to deal with it.

All in all I have to give Bolt a 7.7 probably due to my age I might not have enjoyed it as much as a 10 or 12 year old. Bolt is a movie for the whole family it’s enjoyable and fun and just adorable as hell.

Now a word about 3D:

I saw Bolt in "Disney Digital 3-D" which is the same price as a regular ticket but available at certain times and not every theater has it. I was handed the glasses by the podium usher and they where NOT cheap cardboard crap, they where fairly inexpensive plastic and there was a bin where you could drop them off to recycle them, but you could also keep them as I did. This doesn’t mean someone else will sue the same glasses just, recycling as in reusing the materials. I went in thinking that "Disney Digital 3-D" was just a gimmick used to sell tickets, and it kinda is, but it’s a good one. Watching the movie in 3D adds a magic to the movie going experience that it has been losing thanks to home theater and hi-def. You don't get the 3D when you rent the movie and watch it at home so it really makes it fun to go to the movies and get a separate experience than you would at home. There was a few times that it really got me and I jumped. The good thing about a normal movie in the "Disney Digital 3-D" is that you aren't going to get stupid shots where they meaninglessly throw something in your face just to use the 3D effect. I highly recommend trying it with your kids and it will add just a bit of the old movie magic.

Edward Cullen Is This Generation's Mr. Darcy And I Have The Fangirls to Prove It

WHO: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and a bunch of people that have been in tons of stuff, but we really don't know who they are. Except for Anna Kendrick: Camp is pretty much one of my favorite movies.

WHAT: If you haven't heard of Twilight by now, you are probably living in on of the underground villages from Gurren Laggan. Actually,no,I'm pretty sure they've all heard of Twilight,too

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a HUGE Twilight fan. I picked up the first book more than a year before New Moon (that's the second book for the uninitiated) was released; I was instantly hooked and I've never looked back. I've followed this movie through every aspect of it's production: Back when Paramount's MTV Films had it and we were worried they would mess it up, through the lapse of that contract when we were all worried there would never be a movie, to Summit Entertainment's acquisition of the film rights, to casting news and first cast pics, and beyond. Pretty much for the better part of a year. So needless to say, I was expecting a lot from this movie.

OVERALL: I LIKED IT. The cast and crew worked with what they had and made a pretty faithful adaptation. And they didn't have a lot. The budget for this movie was $37-40 million. In comparison, the first Harry Potter movie had a budget of $150 million. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but find me a movie adaptation that is.

That said...

LIKES:

• THE. SOUNDTRACK. WAS. AWESOME. One of the best song-compilation soundtracks I've ever heard.

• The Cullens: I want me some more Cullens. Especially for the fantastic Elizabeth Reaser who shines as Esme and Ashley Greene who is adorable as Alice. And Kellan Lutz was Emmett.

• All the added stuff: I think that the little bits that screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg added depth to the supporting cast and made for some humorous moments.

• The supporting cast: The actors breathed life into characters that are a little too in the background in the book. I knew people like them in my high school. It was nice to see. Also, major kudos to Billy Burke for turning Charlie from "Bella's Dad" to a fully formed person.

DISLIKES:

• My absolute biggest problem with the movie is the end. And it's not the fact that they changed it:


SPOILER WARNING!

My problem with the ending isn't so much the fact that Victoria is there glaming it up, it's the fact that EDWARD COULDN'T HEAR HER THOUGHTS. Cuz Victoria would have to be spewing some pretty nasty thoughts. WHY DOESN'T HE HEAR HER?!?!

END OF SPOILER WARNING


• Edward's "gift": The special abilities that Edward and his "sister" Alice have are major components of their character. I wish they had gotten more attention.

• Jacob's wig. I cannot express in words how much I hate that thing they put on Taylor Lautner's head.

• Various facial expressions. They know who they are.


CAN'T DECIDE:

• The seemingly controversial sparkle: I didn't hate it. It wasn't that bad.

• I missed seeing Edward drive his "special occasion" Aston Martin. But I got my fill of black Aston Martins in Quantum of Solace so it's OK.

CONCLUSION: I saw Twilight at a midnight showing and again the next day (Saturday). I have to say that it actually was better the second time. Without the fangirls screaming and the over-arching worry that the next moment would horribly mess something up, I was able to enjoy a movie based off one of my favorite book series. I realized after the second viewing that it would probably be somewhat confusing for someone that hasn't read the books. But they set out to make a movie for the fans and I think they succeeded.

RATING: 9

Guest review! Quantum of Solace

“Don’t worry,” I said to the young woman who I had just made acquaintances hours before, “Bond movies hardly ever tie in to the previous film.” This was of course said to help coax her to go out to see a midnight showing of Quantum of Solace with a couple people I met a few weeks back. Of course, that usual truth of the Bond series was shattered within the first ten minutes of the film. I won’t give away any details, but yes; Quantum of Solace’s plot is heavily mired in the fact that VESPER IS BLOODY DEAD GET OVER IT BOND *ahem* excuse me. So yes, Bond is back, and this time, he’s back with a vengeance.

So the basics of the film are as follows: Bond needs to figure out who part of the conspirators that lead to Vesper’s death. This shady group apparently has eyes and ears everywhere and is out for the usual things; money, world domination, etc. Except this time, instead of threatening the world with giant lasers or hijacking nukes, they’re taking over the world with their shady group politics, coups, and resource control. Dominic Greene, CEO of Greene Planet, a supposed eco friendly conservationist group that is a front for more insidious dealings, is our main villain. He is apparently a high ranking member of… Bloody hell I’m sick of calling it ‘shady group’. Let’s just call it SPECTRE (because we all know that’s exactly where this is going. Queue Ernst Stavro Blofeld and be done with it already).

So, now for the nitty gritty; Greene’s part of SPECTRE and Bond is trying to catch him and his conspirators in the act. Bond does have a few clever tricks up his sleeve, seeing as how he doesn’t ever seem to be as well equipped as he once was. Our current incarnation of Bond is very quick on his feet when it comes to uncovering these plots. He doesn’t really ever have a plan nowadays. He relies mostly on his quick wits and his enemies idiocies, which works for the tones of these films. Bond’s spying is very fast paced and tense thanks to these measures, since in order to listen in on SPECTRE’s conversation Bond can no longer pull out his handy-dandy Q Labs listening device implanted in his shoe.

Here’s a rundown of the support characters. Felix Leiter returns (as he does in at least half of the bond films), which is a welcome reprieve from that idiotic American stereotype goody goody Jack Wade (who’s portrayer, Joe Don Baker coincidently played the villain Brad Whitaker two Bond films before Golden Eye… way to go casting department). Felix actually gets down and dirty in the field this time, slumming it up in Bolivia with his corrupt senior agent whose name I forgot to bother to care about because in all honesty generic corrupt American agents are a dime a dozen these days. Bond’s lady friend this time around is Camille Montes, a lovely half Russian half Bolivian whose father was killed by one of the minor villains in the rouges gallery that appears in this film. She’s a very feisty young woman who has her own agenda and reasons for helping Bond, unlike most Bond girls who just help Bond out because he’s hot. Judy Dench is back as M, and for some reason or another she tends to visit the field more often than the head of a super secret Government organization should. Rounding out the cast is generic female agent who Bond sleeps with whose cover name happens to be the highly original ‘Strawberry Fields,’ Greene’s balding sidekick who wears a bad toupee, and the surprising return of ex-MI6 agent René Mathis to the field.

If there’s one thing that bothers me about this film, it’s all the great things that it’s missing. Where were the charming one liners? Where was bond’s witty rapport with the main villain of the film? What happened to Bond’s classy demeanor? And where is bloody Q, and his labs with all of their tomfoolery and gadgetry? So much of what made the classic films ‘classic’ is missing in this adaptation. Bond has been turned from gentleman adventurer to a rough-and-tumble savant with a short fuse, mostly for the amusement of our ADD riddled generation. While these new bond films have actually been quite good for action flicks, they are missing the certain je ne sais quoi that truly makes a Bond film the class act staple it’s been for over 40 years.
While Quantum of Solace is visually stunning, fast paced, and has a compelling and quite engaging storyline, it’s missing all of the charming wit and over the top acts of villainy, (not to mention exploding cars. If a car goes over a cliff in a Bond movie, it’s supposed to explode like the doors were made out of nitro glycerin damn it!), that have made Bond films so great over the years. At least we got a few good one liners out of Casino Royale.

That said, I give the movie an 7.5

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a solid film, but it just doesn’t have what it takes in terms of memorable moments and witty dialogue to be as highly esteemed as its predecessors. I guess the only thing left to do now is make that Martini recipe they mentioned in the film… Three measures of gin, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, and then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. What was it called again?
…
DAMN YOU VESPER!!!!
-Lawther

Max Payne: More Appropriately Named Than Snakes on a Plane

Hello everyone! Pandachi here! Since someone almost never updates this blog, and since I'm watching a movie almost every week anyway it was decided (by me) that I should contribute. So here's my review of Max Payne!

WHO: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Beau Bridges, Ludacris

WHAT: Wahlberg is Max Payne a cop whose wife and child were killed three years ago. Now he will stop at nothing to find the people responsible and kill them. He is joined in his quest by an assassin (Kunis) who's sister was murdered at the beginning of the movie (this is a spoiler so minor that it's not important) and now she will stop at nothing to find the people responsible, etc. Meanwhile an Internal Affairs officer (Ludacris) tries to discover if Max is responsible for a series of murders and the old cop partner of Max's father (Bridges) who is now the head of security for a pharmaceutical company tries to convince Max that he's should give up the search.

WHY?!: This is what I was asking myself for most of this movie. Why does Mark Wahlberg have one facial expression? And for that matter, why does his acting make it seem like they painted a log with a face and dragged it from scene to scene? Why does Mila Kunis have second billing if she has ten minutes of screen time, tops? Why am I bothering to sit through this whole movie if I had everything figured out in the first fifteen minutes? Why is Nelly Furtado suddenly in this movie? Is that really Chris O'Donnell?? OK, that last one wasn't a "why" question, but I was wondering it anyway.

Anything Good?: They lighted well, and it was nice seeing Mila Kunis play against type, even if she and her character were supremely under utilized.

RATING: A solid 3

Other Thoughts: In case there is anyone out there that actually wants to see this movie, I won't spoil it. But let me just tell you that if you are expecting something Constantine-esque after seeing the trailers, you will be sorely disappointed. Also, I wanted to say a big "Sorry!" to my friend Krystal who graciously went to the movie with me. So, sorry Krystal. With the $12.50 we lost we could have gotten some Chipotle or something. Next time, okay?

Official Site
IMDb entry

September, Widescreen, and DVD Reviews

I spent most of my high school days working at a movie theater and summer was always busy and booming in the summer and winter, but there were a couple of times when it was dead; one of those times was the month of September. yes, September may be le last month of summer but as far as your local theater is concerned it is a month of hibernation and waiting. September is a dumping ground for either A.) Movies that did not have enough pull to draw in the summer audience. or B.) not quite the drama or family draw that they want for the holiday season. There are some exceptions to these rules but you're looking at about 90% crap.

Okay, off-topic rant number 2. there is a rather silent struggle among DVD that i think should have been lost in the transition from VHS to DVD. I'm talking about the existence of the Full screen DVD release. Full screen is the biggest sin among most serious movie fans, depending on the type of wide screen (there's letterbox, wide screen, 16:9) which are all some what different, you can lose up to 40% of your screen image. take a look at this image from Disney's Sleeping Beauty:

The full screen format completely destroys the existence of the 2 characters on the end of the screen. while it might not be so bad from this example (why are those 2 important? they probably aren't) there are times when it cuts off very important plot elements and that's just no good. "But those black bars on the top and bottom of the screen are annoying" this is a stupid complaint, how are they annoying? they are just blank parts of the screen they are only something you need to get used to, and that usually takes one or two movies to get rid of that feeling. most newer TVs, Monitors, and screens come exclusively in widescreen, TV shows are made in wide screen, and DVD should no longer offer Full screen as an option, not even if it includes both the wide screen and full screen options. Full screen should have gone the way of VHS and the 8-track. its current existence baffles me.

September and its lack of theater options does not mean its a movie desert, now is the time when your favorite summer releases come out on DVD for you to rent and own. so in that spirit im gonna review a couple of movies that came out before i started this blog.

First up: Iron man.

Iron man was a surprisingly good movie that may lead into a first rate movie franchise. Robert Downy Jr. gives a superb performance as a drunken rich weapons dealer, so basically himself minus the weapons. (or maybe he does that kinda thing, I can not be certain) It has a terrific performance from Jeff bridges, who i couldn't help but think of as "The Dude" from "Big Lebowski". but al together its a great mix of humor and action, not your Oscar-worthy art piece, nor the utter bore of Superman Returns. so its deserves a solid 9, which makes it worth at least a rental.

Number 2: Speed Racer

Now i am aware that a lot of critics panned speed racer as stupid and needless. they complained about the colours and the speed at which it moved. but i thought that these were the things that made the movie wonderful. the bright colors and CGI worked for this movie. The movie is highly stylized as are all of the Wachowski brothers projects, this is a movie for children, but does not dumb things down for them. Speed Racer is a movie that is fast and fun, if you can find the child inside you bring that child out and enjoy. (I paticualrly enjoyed the stunt racing, it was like hot wheels cars come to life!) So fast-paced and colorful Speed Racer deserves a solid 8.5 don't listen to the critics on this one.

Finally we have Kung Fu Panda.

I imagine that Kung fu Panda is like the CGI version of Beverly Hills Ninja. its not a bad movie but in the vast scheme of CGI childrens movies it is unfortunatly somewhat forgettable. not nearly as forgettable as say, Hoodwinked or Happily N'ever After. (yeah you don't even rember those, do you? oh really well, whatever) So in the case of the Kung Fu Panda I award a 6.5 go ahead and rent this one, or do one of them on demand things, that way you dont need to bother returning it.

SO theres a brief rundown of summer Movies along with rants and fun, sorry i don't update that often, but click the ads and i might get some money to head to the movies once and a while.

Death Race has death and racing *spoilers....as if it matters*

To say that 2008's Death Race is based on the classic 70's B-Movie Death Race 2000 is a bit of a fallacy. Sure both had death, and both did indeed have a race in them, but this summer's version lacks the... charm (I don't really mean charm, it’s just the best word for this situation) but enough about that this is about today's Death Race

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This is the basic premise of the prison death race of the future. The year is 2012 and the economy collapse, crime rates are out of control and prisons become privatized. To profit off of this dystopian future, Warden Hennessy has created the Death Race. The death race is a highly planned race where prisoners are given the privilege of driving heavily armored, yes some extremely fast and maneuverable vehicles (seems like a good idea to me). Hennessy frames the verbally challenged Jensen Ames for the murder of his wife. He signs on to race as the now deceased, Frankenstein, a man so scared he had to wear a mask. Ames is perfect for the job seeing as he is a former steel worker... well, they claim he was a driver in some sort of motor sport but the audience only sees him steel working. He puts on the mask and races against such races as "Machine Gun Joe”, "Grimm" (wasn't he in Twisted Metal?), and "14K". There’s some back handed deals with Hennessy and the other prisoners but in the end Ames earns his freedom and his daughter back.

So Death Race starts off pretty slow, I guess the felt they needed some character development, and after the first third I felt that it deserved a 4 for being rather uninteresting and lacking of good ol' explosions. Once they get that out of the way the movie really picks up. There were major things that boosted this closer and closer to that glorious 1, and here's a list:

No. 1: Power Ups.
Yes, like any given Mario Kart title this race has power ups. In a stroke of genius plot repair, the cars have their weapons deactivated until they drive over manhole covers emblazoned with either a sword or a shield; the shield activates defenses (i.e. smoke screen). I was waiting the entire movie for someone to pick up the blue shell and take out that first placer, I was disappointed.

No. 2: Support cast.
So on Ames pit crew...at least I think they are a pit crew you never really see any of them do much... you have Coach, played by the much ranged Ian McShane, it is never disclosed why he was put in prison, all we know is that he doesn't like the collapsed economy outside so he chooses prison, go figure. There's also Gunner who seems to me a mechanic, I think, he does not do much. Finally, the most confusing member is Lists. I had to look up his character name, I referred to him as Samwise do to his resemblance to a hobbit. He wears a prison issue sweater and seems to have encyclopedic knowledge of cars and weapons. It is never explained why he is in prison, but he seems like the kinda guy who would deliver the welcome wagon to your new home in the suburbs, not a prisoner. *shrugs* finally there is the overly smug security guard Ulrich who is more than happy to abuse prisoners. He gets like three lines and seems like he might just be Hennesy's nephew.

No. 3: Hennessy
before Death Race I was unaware of the wonderful non-acting of Joan Allen. It must take a lot to get such a lackluster nonsense performance from an Oscar nominated actress, but these are the powers of Roger Corman. Allen spends 90% of the movie looking like an audio-animatronics version of Hillary Clinton. When she finally does show some sort of facial expressions it’s a shift from mild bemusement to slight surprise, the kind you get when you discover that yes, you still have a fiver in your wallet. Her lack of a performance amused me to no end.

No. 4: Misc.
Statham's command of the English language is as masterful as Stallone's was in 2000. Neither of them so much speaks the language as chew on it and spit it out. Statham sounds like a British Batman with his gruff teeth gritted performance. There are plenty of plot holes such as the mysterious Brotherhood, mysterious in that we never find out what they are and why no one messes with them. The biggest hole is that according to the premise of the movie the economy has collapsed, but clearly there is still internet, Hennessy makes billions of dollars off the death race, dollars still exist, there seems to be industry around the country, law and order still reign. Yes, it’s not so much that the economy has collapsed as it is tough times for the steel industry and crime rates are up, but Mexico continues to thrive.

All in all the last few parts of the movie contain enough violence, blood, gore, explosions, and goofiness to make the audience thoroughly amused and comfortably resting completely in their seats.

On The Parabolic Movie Scale this movie ranks in at a fantastic 1.5!

Yes, Death Race is a meaningless menagerie of action and things getting blowed up real good!

Disaster Movie might just be the most appropriately titled one yet.

First of all, I make it my policy to never, ever walk out or turn off a movie. Okay, so just so you know, I have NO intention of ever ever seeing this movie. In fact, I hope to avoid this movie like Disney Channel programing avoids originality. now my first question is "who keeps giving these people money?" Friedberg and Seltzer may very be the Allen Smithees of their time. but when you have 2 minor successes with Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 then follow those up with about 6 majorly unfunny bombs, one wonders why any movie studio would give these people any money. I truly believe that a pair of Jr high kids with a 3 month subscription to Entertainment Weekly could come up with a movie about as funny as and of the [Genre] Movie movies. Remember Meet the Spartans? you don't? I envy you gentle reader, for you have not stared into the death of comedy as we know it and faced the gaping maw of inane pop culture references that wouldn't be funny if they happened 2 days before the movie was released. I mean i can understand on some stupid level how Rob Schneider keeps getting movie work, if he didn't then TBS would run out of movies to show to lonely people on Friday nights. But this is more about the death of the parody comedy film, lets go back in time to the 70's and early 80's. Remember Airplane? Naked Gun? Kentucky Fried Movie? .... oh c'mon you gotta at least have seen Airplane, on Comedy Central, at like 4:30 in the afternoon, "and don't call me Shirley", yeah that one. anyway those movies stand the test of time, Airplane is still funny, some of the stuff may seem odd because its in a time before airport security and all that but the fact of the matter is that you can still get a good laugh out of it. and what really fries my beans (yeah that's an odd thing to say) is that it sorta uses the same types of gags, in terms of sight gags, reveling frames things like that. But imagine this, Airplane was mare in 1980 that's almost 30 years ago and the movie is still good, does anyone really think that anyone is gonna understand a Britney Spears shaving her head joke, or Amy Winehouse reference in 10 years? well if VH1 has anything to say we will, but i wont be funny and its not funny now. Another annoyance is that this is the third movie of it's type this year, yes that's 3 movies and its only august! i don;t know who keeps giving these two yutz money and i don;t care but when it comes to [Genre] Movie movies, there is only one rating suitable:

5

yes the dreaded Five! A movie that is a chore to sit through, a movie where if a friend says 'i wanna see that' you question your friendship with that person. yes this is a load of pure uncut crap with a topping of faux funny. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Mummy 3 = Mindless Summer Fun!

In a summer where our movies have depth and actually character development where is movie where you can sit back, shut off your brain, and enjoy. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is that movie. Unlike the previous Mummy movies this one has considerably less mummies in it or considerably more, depending how loose your definition of a 'mummy' is. (but apparently it fits the Webster dictionary definition, go figure). The Mummy is now a Chinese emperor known as the Dragon Emperor, but they never explain why... Like the previous Mummy's you have a series of locations that must be traveled to, desert, museum, location that finds a Paradise-like location, paradise-like location, and battlefield (it really does work like that).

New editions to this installment:

Remember in Mummy Returns that little annoying kid that was Brendan Fraser's son? No? well maybe you should go check those out before you watch this one, seriously, c'mon! Anyway that kid is in this one but now he is a big annoying adult-type person. He is sorta kinda co-staring with Fraser, but he also gets involved in the tack-on love story that feels just intrusive (why do they always need a love story?) Sadly, Rachel Weisz is not in this one she dropped out to they replaced her with Maria Bello, who was in (lemme look real quick) oh! Thank you for smoking, but she just doesn't do as well, but whatever. Jet Li is the Mummy of the title int his one and does a decent job considering that he doesn't need to do much besides look menacing and speak Chinese.

Now before i give you the review on the movie i wanna go Mummy v. Mummy, Imohtep v. Han in i fight to the finish!

Round one: Powers.

Imohtep: Even before he becomes 'complete' he is immune to all forms of damage, he may be slowed down, but not stopped, he can turn into a sand storm to transport himself and others. Imhotep ads the ability to control the weather and move objects with his mind. He has also displayed that he can control a large group of people. he also controlled plagues so...yeah

Han: He can control fire, water, metal, earth and sand. (i think those are right). he has the same damage deal as Imhotep, but is trapped as a terracotta warrior until he takes a bath in the waters of eternal life. after he gets all immortal he can transform into a dragon/beast/human.

Winner: Imhotep

Round two: Allies

Imhotep: since he can mind control most people so they his allies tend to be anyone, but for the most part he is on his own.

Han: He has a whole army of terracotta warriors that are like zombies in how they jut keep coming.

Winner: Han

Final round: Defeat (warning spoilers)

Imhotep: He can only be defeated buy reading from the book of the dead but other than not much killing this one.

Han: Apparently he can control the elements, turn into a dragon/beast, but in hand-to-hand combat he gets the sh*t kicked out of him by Fraser.

Winner Imhotep.

Grand Winner, Imhotep, he is just far more bad ass.

So where does this movie rate on my parabolic Movie scale? it gets a 2.5 which is decent, the dialoge is kinda stale and that stupid love story really drags things down. if your going in this one expecting high quality entertainment you are dead wrong (was that an accidental pun?). Turn off your brain and enjoy special effects and explosions, (things get blowed up real good!)

Movie Preview: Swing Vote

So my review of Dark Knight seems a little lackluster, very cliche and nothing interesting, I gotta stand out from the crowd so here it is. Today I am basically previewing a movie based entirely on the trailer for the movie Swing Vote.

My basic idea of the plot of this movie is this. In a presidential election between Frasier Crane and the Carl Sagan-esque guy from The Core, the election has come down to a dead heat tie, and the only man who can decided the out come is Robin Hood himself, Kevin Costner. Why Robin Hood, you might ask? Simple, his vote-o-matic was way out of date to run Microsoft Election 'o8. Apparently he was using the 2300 series, whereas the rest of the nation was running the new 3200 series (much better for voting). So seeing as nothing went wrong with the other 303, 948, 170 votes, each candidate received 151,974,85 votes (these numbers are completely made up by the way.) Oh noes, a pure 50-50 Tie! clearly any vote for a third party candidate was either throw out or a number that kept both of those men in the majority but still 50-50. wow this is sounding less and less plausible even as I write this. So the electoral college had a wild party and sorta lost their votes, damn drunks(!), so anyway thanks to one man's stubborn refusal to upgrade he know gets to decide the election. seems like both Frasier and that other guy seem to want to impress this guy, and probably spend half the movie taking him to NASCAR events and tractor pulls, and such. Now is it just me, or does it seem like Costner's character could easily have been replaced by a 1999 New Jersey quarter (heads is Frasier, tales is Carl Sagan). Hell, any number of ways would be better, I personally am partial to a foot race. I'm just trying to save some time an money here.

So clearly Swing Vote takes an immense amount of liberties with our electoral system. The only redeeming qualities it could have is it could make some poignant observations on partisan politics and how they divid our country, or it could just fail and die. I guess we find out on the 1st. Also on the 1st, Mummy 3, gotta check that one out!

Dark Knight Reviewed!

So I figured it might be about time i actually reviewed a movie, and i chose the blockbuster summer hit The Dark Knight.

First of all i gotta say that this movie really delivers! The story, while less straight forward than Batman Begins, actually takes a look more at the way "The Batman" affects the citizens of Gotham city. Gotham has gotten used to Batman's presence and is viewed as a deterrent as he could be there whenever a crime happens, and most would rather not take their chances. The story greatly features district attorney Harvey Dent who has put away many of the city's criminals. Many of the remaining mobsters are concerned about getting put away and decide to rely on a Hong Kong businessman, who believes that he is outside of the Batman's jurisdiction. After being proven terribly wrong, the remaining mob bosses take up the offer of the mysterious Joker to kill Batman. After a seemingly successful capture of the Joker, Batman is forced to choose between Gotham's hero Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes. Batman saves Harvey, but causes him to suffer from horrifying burns on half of his face. Harvey sees the horrible world of the insanity of the Joker and feels that Lt. Gordon is responsible for not getting to Rachel in time. Batman must defeat the insanity of the Joker and the crestfallen and misguided Harvey, now Two-face.

The movie might disappoint some in its lack of hand-to-hand combat that the first one featured prevalently, but the action is still there. Featuring some of Batman's new gadgets and vehicles, the audience is treated to one of the most entertaining chase scenes in years. The things the Bat-cycle (Bat-pod?) can do are really impressive and just fun. There is less Batman in this movie as Bruce Wayne does a great deal of his investigation of the Joker's activities. Unlike the 1989 Joker, The Dark Knight's Joker brings back the chaotic darkness of the original comic, Alfred puts it best "...some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn" Two-face's roll in the film is less as he is mostly in there as Harvey Dent, but he sets up the fantastic ending as well as being a true beacon for Gotham City, The White Knight.

The performances in The Dark Knight are some of my favorite of the year. lets run down the cast list: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Gary Oldman, and Morgan Freeman. How could it not be awesome with that? Morgan Freeman is fantastic in everything he does and is always a good performer. Maggie Gyllenhaal takes the place of Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes and personally I feel she does a better job and is much more real. I'm pretty sure that until he played two-face, Aaron Eckhart basically played himself, but we can feel for him and understand how far he fell when he transformed. Bale and Caine reprise their roles as Bruce Wayne and Alfred and do it beautifully. Of course The Dark Knight features the penultimate performance of Heath Ledger. Ledger's Joker is the dark, insane, chaotic evil character that he was when he was introduced. I'm quite sad that we will not see him in this role again, and unfortunately the Joker's fate is left literally up in the air. I would hope that they don't try to replace him for a future film, but it is possible for an equally good performance.

So now its time to actually rate the movie on my scale! woo! so lets see: good solid cliche-free storyline + Fantastic performances by the entire cast + good action sequences... add this all together and you get...

a 9.5!

The only and only reason that this did not get a 10 is that i would have like to see the hand-to-hand combat. I would also like to see some hints at what might be to come in terms of villains, but that's no reason to dock it. This functions as a stand alone Movie and not merely a sequel and that's what makes a good sequel, this is something that Hollywood truly needs to learn.

Introduction to the Future of Movie Reviews

Welcome to the movie parabola blog, before I begin I would like to introduce you to my revolutionary concept of movie reviewing. In the past reviews were simplistic and easily identifiable "four stars", "Two thumbs up" or a grade scale akin to that of a report card. The problem with these forms of reviews is that they only tell you if a movie is good or bad, but we all know that there are movies that are so bad, that they are good. These movies may not win awards (except maybe a Razzie), but there is no denying the enjoy ability of these movies, so I have made a scale that accounts for these successful failures.

As you may have already guessed the movie scale is based on the mathematical structure of the parabola, in layman's terms a half-oval. The parabola exists on a two dimensional grid. the ends of the loops are situated at 1 and 10 on the X-axis, the loop dips down to -5 on the Y-axis and. what does all this mean? It means that a rating of 1 and 10 are at the same point on this scale, the closer a movie gets to 5 the worse it is. Think of a 5 as a movie that is not only bad, its plain boring, you can’t even laugh at it. My example of this is Napoleon Dynamite, stupid, annoying, wouldn't watch it if you were paid (well I might if I got paid).

How can the 1 and 10 ratings be equal? You might ask. (Quit asking questions, this is my damn blog!) 1 and 10 are equal only in their respective entertainment value. A score of 10 means the movies is entertaining, insightful, and all around worth your money. A score of 1 means that the movie is unintentionally hilarious, often throwing reason (and any sort of science) out the window, the kinda movie you see with friends if only to make comments to each other, ala Mystery Science Theater 3000. A recent example of a 1 movie would probably be Wanted (loom of fate, hilarious!). Your 10 might be a Sin City, or perhaps Juno. So I hope that I have made my scale clear and I hope to be back soon with some actual movie reviews!

(Thanks to Jack, Rita, Danni, Dave, and anyone I forgot, we have been using this method for years now.)