Death Race has death and racing *spoilers....as if it matters*

To say that 2008's Death Race is based on the classic 70's B-Movie Death Race 2000 is a bit of a fallacy. Sure both had death, and both did indeed have a race in them, but this summer's version lacks the... charm (I don't really mean charm, it’s just the best word for this situation) but enough about that this is about today's Death Race

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! YOU CAN SUBSCRIBE TO THE BIGGEST THING TO HIT THE INTERNET SINCE PORNOGRAPHY! FOR ONLY $250 YOU CAN SUBSCRIBE TO ALL THREE PARTS IN THIS BREATHTAKING SNUFF PHENOMENON!

This is the basic premise of the prison death race of the future. The year is 2012 and the economy collapse, crime rates are out of control and prisons become privatized. To profit off of this dystopian future, Warden Hennessy has created the Death Race. The death race is a highly planned race where prisoners are given the privilege of driving heavily armored, yes some extremely fast and maneuverable vehicles (seems like a good idea to me). Hennessy frames the verbally challenged Jensen Ames for the murder of his wife. He signs on to race as the now deceased, Frankenstein, a man so scared he had to wear a mask. Ames is perfect for the job seeing as he is a former steel worker... well, they claim he was a driver in some sort of motor sport but the audience only sees him steel working. He puts on the mask and races against such races as "Machine Gun Joe”, "Grimm" (wasn't he in Twisted Metal?), and "14K". There’s some back handed deals with Hennessy and the other prisoners but in the end Ames earns his freedom and his daughter back.

So Death Race starts off pretty slow, I guess the felt they needed some character development, and after the first third I felt that it deserved a 4 for being rather uninteresting and lacking of good ol' explosions. Once they get that out of the way the movie really picks up. There were major things that boosted this closer and closer to that glorious 1, and here's a list:

No. 1: Power Ups.
Yes, like any given Mario Kart title this race has power ups. In a stroke of genius plot repair, the cars have their weapons deactivated until they drive over manhole covers emblazoned with either a sword or a shield; the shield activates defenses (i.e. smoke screen). I was waiting the entire movie for someone to pick up the blue shell and take out that first placer, I was disappointed.

No. 2: Support cast.
So on Ames pit crew...at least I think they are a pit crew you never really see any of them do much... you have Coach, played by the much ranged Ian McShane, it is never disclosed why he was put in prison, all we know is that he doesn't like the collapsed economy outside so he chooses prison, go figure. There's also Gunner who seems to me a mechanic, I think, he does not do much. Finally, the most confusing member is Lists. I had to look up his character name, I referred to him as Samwise do to his resemblance to a hobbit. He wears a prison issue sweater and seems to have encyclopedic knowledge of cars and weapons. It is never explained why he is in prison, but he seems like the kinda guy who would deliver the welcome wagon to your new home in the suburbs, not a prisoner. *shrugs* finally there is the overly smug security guard Ulrich who is more than happy to abuse prisoners. He gets like three lines and seems like he might just be Hennesy's nephew.

No. 3: Hennessy
before Death Race I was unaware of the wonderful non-acting of Joan Allen. It must take a lot to get such a lackluster nonsense performance from an Oscar nominated actress, but these are the powers of Roger Corman. Allen spends 90% of the movie looking like an audio-animatronics version of Hillary Clinton. When she finally does show some sort of facial expressions it’s a shift from mild bemusement to slight surprise, the kind you get when you discover that yes, you still have a fiver in your wallet. Her lack of a performance amused me to no end.

No. 4: Misc.
Statham's command of the English language is as masterful as Stallone's was in 2000. Neither of them so much speaks the language as chew on it and spit it out. Statham sounds like a British Batman with his gruff teeth gritted performance. There are plenty of plot holes such as the mysterious Brotherhood, mysterious in that we never find out what they are and why no one messes with them. The biggest hole is that according to the premise of the movie the economy has collapsed, but clearly there is still internet, Hennessy makes billions of dollars off the death race, dollars still exist, there seems to be industry around the country, law and order still reign. Yes, it’s not so much that the economy has collapsed as it is tough times for the steel industry and crime rates are up, but Mexico continues to thrive.

All in all the last few parts of the movie contain enough violence, blood, gore, explosions, and goofiness to make the audience thoroughly amused and comfortably resting completely in their seats.

On The Parabolic Movie Scale this movie ranks in at a fantastic 1.5!

Yes, Death Race is a meaningless menagerie of action and things getting blowed up real good!

Disaster Movie might just be the most appropriately titled one yet.

First of all, I make it my policy to never, ever walk out or turn off a movie. Okay, so just so you know, I have NO intention of ever ever seeing this movie. In fact, I hope to avoid this movie like Disney Channel programing avoids originality. now my first question is "who keeps giving these people money?" Friedberg and Seltzer may very be the Allen Smithees of their time. but when you have 2 minor successes with Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 then follow those up with about 6 majorly unfunny bombs, one wonders why any movie studio would give these people any money. I truly believe that a pair of Jr high kids with a 3 month subscription to Entertainment Weekly could come up with a movie about as funny as and of the [Genre] Movie movies. Remember Meet the Spartans? you don't? I envy you gentle reader, for you have not stared into the death of comedy as we know it and faced the gaping maw of inane pop culture references that wouldn't be funny if they happened 2 days before the movie was released. I mean i can understand on some stupid level how Rob Schneider keeps getting movie work, if he didn't then TBS would run out of movies to show to lonely people on Friday nights. But this is more about the death of the parody comedy film, lets go back in time to the 70's and early 80's. Remember Airplane? Naked Gun? Kentucky Fried Movie? .... oh c'mon you gotta at least have seen Airplane, on Comedy Central, at like 4:30 in the afternoon, "and don't call me Shirley", yeah that one. anyway those movies stand the test of time, Airplane is still funny, some of the stuff may seem odd because its in a time before airport security and all that but the fact of the matter is that you can still get a good laugh out of it. and what really fries my beans (yeah that's an odd thing to say) is that it sorta uses the same types of gags, in terms of sight gags, reveling frames things like that. But imagine this, Airplane was mare in 1980 that's almost 30 years ago and the movie is still good, does anyone really think that anyone is gonna understand a Britney Spears shaving her head joke, or Amy Winehouse reference in 10 years? well if VH1 has anything to say we will, but i wont be funny and its not funny now. Another annoyance is that this is the third movie of it's type this year, yes that's 3 movies and its only august! i don;t know who keeps giving these two yutz money and i don;t care but when it comes to [Genre] Movie movies, there is only one rating suitable:

5

yes the dreaded Five! A movie that is a chore to sit through, a movie where if a friend says 'i wanna see that' you question your friendship with that person. yes this is a load of pure uncut crap with a topping of faux funny. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Mummy 3 = Mindless Summer Fun!

In a summer where our movies have depth and actually character development where is movie where you can sit back, shut off your brain, and enjoy. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is that movie. Unlike the previous Mummy movies this one has considerably less mummies in it or considerably more, depending how loose your definition of a 'mummy' is. (but apparently it fits the Webster dictionary definition, go figure). The Mummy is now a Chinese emperor known as the Dragon Emperor, but they never explain why... Like the previous Mummy's you have a series of locations that must be traveled to, desert, museum, location that finds a Paradise-like location, paradise-like location, and battlefield (it really does work like that).

New editions to this installment:

Remember in Mummy Returns that little annoying kid that was Brendan Fraser's son? No? well maybe you should go check those out before you watch this one, seriously, c'mon! Anyway that kid is in this one but now he is a big annoying adult-type person. He is sorta kinda co-staring with Fraser, but he also gets involved in the tack-on love story that feels just intrusive (why do they always need a love story?) Sadly, Rachel Weisz is not in this one she dropped out to they replaced her with Maria Bello, who was in (lemme look real quick) oh! Thank you for smoking, but she just doesn't do as well, but whatever. Jet Li is the Mummy of the title int his one and does a decent job considering that he doesn't need to do much besides look menacing and speak Chinese.

Now before i give you the review on the movie i wanna go Mummy v. Mummy, Imohtep v. Han in i fight to the finish!

Round one: Powers.

Imohtep: Even before he becomes 'complete' he is immune to all forms of damage, he may be slowed down, but not stopped, he can turn into a sand storm to transport himself and others. Imhotep ads the ability to control the weather and move objects with his mind. He has also displayed that he can control a large group of people. he also controlled plagues so...yeah

Han: He can control fire, water, metal, earth and sand. (i think those are right). he has the same damage deal as Imhotep, but is trapped as a terracotta warrior until he takes a bath in the waters of eternal life. after he gets all immortal he can transform into a dragon/beast/human.

Winner: Imhotep

Round two: Allies

Imhotep: since he can mind control most people so they his allies tend to be anyone, but for the most part he is on his own.

Han: He has a whole army of terracotta warriors that are like zombies in how they jut keep coming.

Winner: Han

Final round: Defeat (warning spoilers)

Imhotep: He can only be defeated buy reading from the book of the dead but other than not much killing this one.

Han: Apparently he can control the elements, turn into a dragon/beast, but in hand-to-hand combat he gets the sh*t kicked out of him by Fraser.

Winner Imhotep.

Grand Winner, Imhotep, he is just far more bad ass.

So where does this movie rate on my parabolic Movie scale? it gets a 2.5 which is decent, the dialoge is kinda stale and that stupid love story really drags things down. if your going in this one expecting high quality entertainment you are dead wrong (was that an accidental pun?). Turn off your brain and enjoy special effects and explosions, (things get blowed up real good!)