Introduction to the Future of Movie Reviews

Welcome to the movie parabola blog, before I begin I would like to introduce you to my revolutionary concept of movie reviewing. In the past reviews were simplistic and easily identifiable "four stars", "Two thumbs up" or a grade scale akin to that of a report card. The problem with these forms of reviews is that they only tell you if a movie is good or bad, but we all know that there are movies that are so bad, that they are good. These movies may not win awards (except maybe a Razzie), but there is no denying the enjoy ability of these movies, so I have made a scale that accounts for these successful failures.

As you may have already guessed the movie scale is based on the mathematical structure of the parabola, in layman's terms a half-oval. The parabola exists on a two dimensional grid. the ends of the loops are situated at 1 and 10 on the X-axis, the loop dips down to -5 on the Y-axis and. what does all this mean? It means that a rating of 1 and 10 are at the same point on this scale, the closer a movie gets to 5 the worse it is. Think of a 5 as a movie that is not only bad, its plain boring, you can’t even laugh at it. My example of this is Napoleon Dynamite, stupid, annoying, wouldn't watch it if you were paid (well I might if I got paid).

How can the 1 and 10 ratings be equal? You might ask. (Quit asking questions, this is my damn blog!) 1 and 10 are equal only in their respective entertainment value. A score of 10 means the movies is entertaining, insightful, and all around worth your money. A score of 1 means that the movie is unintentionally hilarious, often throwing reason (and any sort of science) out the window, the kinda movie you see with friends if only to make comments to each other, ala Mystery Science Theater 3000. A recent example of a 1 movie would probably be Wanted (loom of fate, hilarious!). Your 10 might be a Sin City, or perhaps Juno. So I hope that I have made my scale clear and I hope to be back soon with some actual movie reviews!

(Thanks to Jack, Rita, Danni, Dave, and anyone I forgot, we have been using this method for years now.)