Death Race has death and racing *spoilers....as if it matters*

To say that 2008's Death Race is based on the classic 70's B-Movie Death Race 2000 is a bit of a fallacy. Sure both had death, and both did indeed have a race in them, but this summer's version lacks the... charm (I don't really mean charm, it’s just the best word for this situation) but enough about that this is about today's Death Race

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This is the basic premise of the prison death race of the future. The year is 2012 and the economy collapse, crime rates are out of control and prisons become privatized. To profit off of this dystopian future, Warden Hennessy has created the Death Race. The death race is a highly planned race where prisoners are given the privilege of driving heavily armored, yes some extremely fast and maneuverable vehicles (seems like a good idea to me). Hennessy frames the verbally challenged Jensen Ames for the murder of his wife. He signs on to race as the now deceased, Frankenstein, a man so scared he had to wear a mask. Ames is perfect for the job seeing as he is a former steel worker... well, they claim he was a driver in some sort of motor sport but the audience only sees him steel working. He puts on the mask and races against such races as "Machine Gun Joe”, "Grimm" (wasn't he in Twisted Metal?), and "14K". There’s some back handed deals with Hennessy and the other prisoners but in the end Ames earns his freedom and his daughter back.

So Death Race starts off pretty slow, I guess the felt they needed some character development, and after the first third I felt that it deserved a 4 for being rather uninteresting and lacking of good ol' explosions. Once they get that out of the way the movie really picks up. There were major things that boosted this closer and closer to that glorious 1, and here's a list:

No. 1: Power Ups.
Yes, like any given Mario Kart title this race has power ups. In a stroke of genius plot repair, the cars have their weapons deactivated until they drive over manhole covers emblazoned with either a sword or a shield; the shield activates defenses (i.e. smoke screen). I was waiting the entire movie for someone to pick up the blue shell and take out that first placer, I was disappointed.

No. 2: Support cast.
So on Ames pit crew...at least I think they are a pit crew you never really see any of them do much... you have Coach, played by the much ranged Ian McShane, it is never disclosed why he was put in prison, all we know is that he doesn't like the collapsed economy outside so he chooses prison, go figure. There's also Gunner who seems to me a mechanic, I think, he does not do much. Finally, the most confusing member is Lists. I had to look up his character name, I referred to him as Samwise do to his resemblance to a hobbit. He wears a prison issue sweater and seems to have encyclopedic knowledge of cars and weapons. It is never explained why he is in prison, but he seems like the kinda guy who would deliver the welcome wagon to your new home in the suburbs, not a prisoner. *shrugs* finally there is the overly smug security guard Ulrich who is more than happy to abuse prisoners. He gets like three lines and seems like he might just be Hennesy's nephew.

No. 3: Hennessy
before Death Race I was unaware of the wonderful non-acting of Joan Allen. It must take a lot to get such a lackluster nonsense performance from an Oscar nominated actress, but these are the powers of Roger Corman. Allen spends 90% of the movie looking like an audio-animatronics version of Hillary Clinton. When she finally does show some sort of facial expressions it’s a shift from mild bemusement to slight surprise, the kind you get when you discover that yes, you still have a fiver in your wallet. Her lack of a performance amused me to no end.

No. 4: Misc.
Statham's command of the English language is as masterful as Stallone's was in 2000. Neither of them so much speaks the language as chew on it and spit it out. Statham sounds like a British Batman with his gruff teeth gritted performance. There are plenty of plot holes such as the mysterious Brotherhood, mysterious in that we never find out what they are and why no one messes with them. The biggest hole is that according to the premise of the movie the economy has collapsed, but clearly there is still internet, Hennessy makes billions of dollars off the death race, dollars still exist, there seems to be industry around the country, law and order still reign. Yes, it’s not so much that the economy has collapsed as it is tough times for the steel industry and crime rates are up, but Mexico continues to thrive.

All in all the last few parts of the movie contain enough violence, blood, gore, explosions, and goofiness to make the audience thoroughly amused and comfortably resting completely in their seats.

On The Parabolic Movie Scale this movie ranks in at a fantastic 1.5!

Yes, Death Race is a meaningless menagerie of action and things getting blowed up real good!

Disaster Movie might just be the most appropriately titled one yet.

First of all, I make it my policy to never, ever walk out or turn off a movie. Okay, so just so you know, I have NO intention of ever ever seeing this movie. In fact, I hope to avoid this movie like Disney Channel programing avoids originality. now my first question is "who keeps giving these people money?" Friedberg and Seltzer may very be the Allen Smithees of their time. but when you have 2 minor successes with Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 then follow those up with about 6 majorly unfunny bombs, one wonders why any movie studio would give these people any money. I truly believe that a pair of Jr high kids with a 3 month subscription to Entertainment Weekly could come up with a movie about as funny as and of the [Genre] Movie movies. Remember Meet the Spartans? you don't? I envy you gentle reader, for you have not stared into the death of comedy as we know it and faced the gaping maw of inane pop culture references that wouldn't be funny if they happened 2 days before the movie was released. I mean i can understand on some stupid level how Rob Schneider keeps getting movie work, if he didn't then TBS would run out of movies to show to lonely people on Friday nights. But this is more about the death of the parody comedy film, lets go back in time to the 70's and early 80's. Remember Airplane? Naked Gun? Kentucky Fried Movie? .... oh c'mon you gotta at least have seen Airplane, on Comedy Central, at like 4:30 in the afternoon, "and don't call me Shirley", yeah that one. anyway those movies stand the test of time, Airplane is still funny, some of the stuff may seem odd because its in a time before airport security and all that but the fact of the matter is that you can still get a good laugh out of it. and what really fries my beans (yeah that's an odd thing to say) is that it sorta uses the same types of gags, in terms of sight gags, reveling frames things like that. But imagine this, Airplane was mare in 1980 that's almost 30 years ago and the movie is still good, does anyone really think that anyone is gonna understand a Britney Spears shaving her head joke, or Amy Winehouse reference in 10 years? well if VH1 has anything to say we will, but i wont be funny and its not funny now. Another annoyance is that this is the third movie of it's type this year, yes that's 3 movies and its only august! i don;t know who keeps giving these two yutz money and i don;t care but when it comes to [Genre] Movie movies, there is only one rating suitable:

5

yes the dreaded Five! A movie that is a chore to sit through, a movie where if a friend says 'i wanna see that' you question your friendship with that person. yes this is a load of pure uncut crap with a topping of faux funny. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!